this could all go so wrong

Is the fact that I'm happier at work (at Subway) then I am at home or at school telling me something? Maybe I should move out and live in Subway, take courses online and never have to actually look at anyone ever again.

(Don't take too much from this; I'm like a newborn in terms of how long I've worked there.) But it seems that everyone I meet/serve is only passing through. People are only blips on my radar. They don't seem to matter that much. Their lives are summed up in what they order. 

    Cold Cut Trio, light lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and light mayonaise on wheat. Do you want to make that a meal? No? That'll be five forty six. Thank you, here's your change, have a great day.

After the line is done run to the back and quickly wash a load of dishes because we need more lids, more pans, more bread, more cookies. It seems like every second we're needing something. And yet, I'm still happier there than I am when I get home.

Working is fun and being at home is not. Making sandwiches is satisfying, doing homework is not. Cleaning the lobby is kind of awesome, cleaning up after my roommates is kind of not.

p.s. Fall Out Boy's "From Under the Cork Tree" is my math homework music. :D :D :D

Essay is near completion. I have the first draft, now I just need to clean it up. Turns out all I had to do was change the topic. :D

What did I do this week you ask? Well, let me tell you.

Monday: I had off :D No work, no school, was awesome.
Tuesday: I had Sociology, Anthropology, and Composition One. No work. :D
Wednesday: Intermediate Algebra, no work 
Thursday: Sociology, Anthropology and I worked from 6pm to 10pm
Friday: I (kindofsortof) wrote and essay and worked from 10am to 2pm
Saturday: Worked from 10am to 2pm and I finished my Algebra work.

Tomorrow: I'm working from 6pm to 10 pm and I'm going to finish that fucking essay.  

I totally just ordered a medium pizza all for myself. :D I'm disgusting, who cares?!

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She likes it when the world goes soft around the edges, just enough to make everything feel like a dream. That first hit is almost always the best, unless some passed a cashed bowl, then it's just enough to make her want more, just enough to tease but not enough to satisfy. She doesn't know when she started needing this to be happy, to be fun, to be normal, but she does so she follows the party scene even though she will always kind of hate those scene kids who pretend to be miserable so they can be popular. It seems like a lot of work. She ignores how "cool" depression is and smiles at everyone becasue she just took that first hit and she's all soft around the edges. Nothing can touch her here, nothing can bother her, and she smiles at everyone.

Someone passes back to her and she takes another hit almost before realizing it. Holding her breath, she sways in time with someone singing. Someone falls over across from her and it suprises her into giggling because he fell like the world tilted and isn't it tilting? She can feel it tilting too, feels a deep spiritual connection to the guy who just fell over because they are tilting the world and isn't that fantastic? Isn't everything fantastic? She giggles again at how stoned she is, and she is very stoned. She think someone might have cut that grass with something and she totally almost thought 'someone' and ohmygod how gross would that be. She laughs outright now but has the presence of mine to pass on the next round. The room is smokey, and really, she doesn't need to actually press her lips to the pipe to take a hit, she just breathes in. She just breathes in and breathes and breathes.

Everything is soft now. Smooth. Blue. and. green. and. purple. and when did her eyes close? Lying on the floor, the smoke intertwines with itself over her head, masking the ceiling so that it looks like the room was made from smoke.

She knows that she shouldn't need this. She knows that she's not alright when it takes this to make her happy. She knows that, and she hates that, but at the same time she loves it, she loves lying on the floor, looking at the world tilting, she is the world, the world is tiliting, she is tilting.

***
If I'm going to keep writing on this it's going to need a name and a special tag. I'm thinking "Her Shadow Is On Vacation". Yeah, it sounds just pretentious enough to not really mean anything. :D

I've worked at Subway for a total of 27 hours and so far it's been really nice. :D The only wierd thing is that I only work with females, seriously. No men. at. all. I feel like I'm one of those amazon woman. I should start carrying a spear to work. It'll help get the bread out of the cooler. :D I'm seriously getting sick of Mayonise and Vinegar. The Mayo is retarded, it comes out either too fast or too slow and the vinegar, no matter what, will end up splattered on everything. At the end of my shift I smell like I rolled around in a vat of fish and chips.

I'm about fifteen pounds from my wieght goal. :)

I need to do dishes. :( They aren't my dishes though which is why I haven't done them yet even though they've been there over the weekend. My roommates/friends left for Dragon*Con over the weekend but didn't think to clean any of their shit. So, there's a sinkful of dishes that I have to do.

"What if they've created some kind of attack-dodo?" "Just how evil are these  people?!"

lol

Maja Ivarsson. She's so pretty. And talented too. :D

 

 Truth in bold

You know what's awesome?

Vertigo!

Oh.....going to be sick now.

 So, I'm more blind then I thought I was. It's seriously bad. Though, I got to wear this wicked contraption, I'll have a pic later cuz it's kind of awesome. I'm going to be getting the cutest emo glasses ever. Mostly, they are cute because they are little kids glasses, seriously, my head is the size of a little kids, no lie. It's awesome.

I work tomorrow from 11am-2pm and I'm actually having a lot of fun making sandwiches. :D 

I'm going to be getting my motorcycle permit soon and going to be buying a Honda Rebel or a Nighthawk soonish. I think the dealer said something about having to wait til the Jan 1st for a new one but they get used all the time so hopefully sooner then that. Yes, I know, I don't have my actual car license but fuck it. I don't ever want to drive a car. I just want a bunch of bikes. I'm going to have a garage full. :D :D 

I start my first class on Monday. I had to rearrange my schdule today ebcause not enough people signed up for my online class so they dropped it. Lame. So, now I have Intermediate Algebra, Composition I, Introduction to Sociology and General Psychology. I took Psych 101 in high school so I'm not to worried about that class. Monday, omg. I feel so unprepared. 

I didn't get to see SGA last night because I was closing. ;_;

GUYS PANIC AT THE DISCO HAVE GONE CRAZY OR THEY ARE SMOKING TOO MUCH POT. SERIOUSLY.

Don't you remember when I was a bird and you were a map? 

NO BECAUSE I WAS NEVER A MAP. 

But I have to admit that I kind of hated Panic at the Disco because of their stupid punctuation marks in stupid places and stupid people who copied the stupidity. Then I heard "Nine in the Afternoon." And, yeah, I can get behind any song that sounds like a carnival (I love songs that have clapping in them :D) and is about getting high (in my opinon but if it isn't, it's very very close.) And I even like "That Green Gentleman" because things are shaping up to be pretty odd, and it's such a happy song. Like infectiously happy. Like I smile whenever I hear it. And okay, I even like "Mad as Rabbits" which that little bit of nonsense up there is from because Ryan actually sings and I'm totally for that.  But this bit is a little too rediculous....even for me:

Hey moon, please forget to fall down
Hey moon, don't you go down

Sugarcane in the easy mornin'
Weathervanes my one and lonely 

I FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING SOMETHING. I DID NOT NOW THAT WEATHERVANES COULD BE YOUR ONE AND LONELY.

And I have to admit that any band that can have their first album redone entirely in strings is like wicked cool. I had that CD before I even actually cared about Panic at the Disco (and could they have picked a longer name?) 

I'm glad that this album sounds so different from their first one because getting pegged into a "that" band sterotype isboring. And even if it does sounds like the ramblings of a delusional/stoned man it's cool that they aren't letting their past define them.

I love:

+singing in the shower, in the kitchen, on the bench in the front yard.
+the smell and feel of a new book
+the smell and feel of an old book
+Morrison
+hands that make music
+my pink, rediculous jacket that is the warmest thing I own
+the looks I get when I wear my pink. rediculous jacket
+pretending people are jealous of my pink, rediculous jacket
+red nail polish, red lipstick, and red eyeshadow, not not all at once
+listening to sad music when I'm happy and happy music when I'm sad
+sitting in the bathtub with the shower on pretending it's raining

I hate:

+the way peanut butter gets stuck to the roof of my mouth
+papercuts

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 She drags her foot in the sand and watches the sunrise. She doesn't understand why people feel the need to paint it when they could just look out their windows and see it and know it. The air is orange and still and everything is perfect. Her shoes are still missing and if the asphalt gets any hotter she'll have blisters the size of quaters on the bottom of her feet. It had happened before but she didn't mind then because feeling the earth, the road under her feet was like being in love with the world.  

Her watch beeps and she turns away from the skyline and continues making her way home. She begins humming again and gets looks from the suits on their way to work. She feels sorry for them, because they do not love the world like she loves it, like she loves everything. Their shoes look uncomfortable, their ties look like chains and she starts running from these people who choose prison over freedom. She imagines that they are robots. They could kill her with a thought.

She arrives home out of breath. Sometimes she forgets where she lives, forgets what her name is, sometimes she forgets everything and gets lost in the that place between the sky and the sea.

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The apartment is a mess. There are take-out boxes stacked on the floor making some kind of fort. She stumbles into the kitchen, tripping on someones pants and bangs her hip against the counter. It'll bruise but she's pretty sure that she's still a little bit drunk when the pain doesn't even register. The pot of coffee smells like heaven and someone snores on the couch. 

The girl in the mirror had a rough night. Her make-up is smudged in places and completely gone in others. Her hair is a tangled mess of blond curls and knots. She splashes water on her face and grabs a cup of coffee on her way out to the living room. James is on the couch, his split lip is going to be hard to explain. Sarah is lying on the floor covered in several coats. She doesn't recognize anyone else.

She grabs her coat off Sarah and walks out the door with her cup of coffee. She's not sure where her shoes are, anymore. She might have dropped them in the river, it wouldn't be the first time. She walks home barefoot, and she hums something from the radio.

2

we were young and in love
the whole world was ours for the taking
and we took it whenever we wanted
it was our right
we wanted so we took
we took the highs and the lows
the breathless laughs and choked-on tears
we took the dark crowded clubs
people just like us pressed so tight
the crowd consumed and we consumed
we danced until we were thrown out 
in a jumble of limbs and laughter
we took the nights 
sprawled in the middle of our street
counting stars and dreaming with our eyes open
everything was ours for the taking
and now when you're gone
and you're not coming back
i keep what we took safe

  I'm kind of nervous about starting at Subway tomorrow. I mean, yeah, sure, shomehow I made a good impression or they were frickin desperate but I'm still nervous. I'm not good with other people, I'm too wrapped up in my own insecurities that I hardly ever notice how anyone else is handling themself. D: Also, what if I'm shit at sandwich making. I know it should be simple! But I'm shit at really wierd things, like bike riding! And kite flying, not to mention floating. What if I can't make sandwiches??? 

I'm hopefully getting glasses this weekend which will help with the being blind thing. Um. I'm starting classes soon, arrgh, I have no idea what to do with my online class, need to call them sometime tomorrow. So, I don't end up failing from my stupidity. D:

I have new muscles, omg. It's like frickin wierd, I've never had muscles. :D :D :D 

Also, I hate my reproductive organs. 

I hate how emotionally involved I get with fictional characters.

 Ow. Note to self: Do NOT kick the bathtub. It hurts, you idiot.

I start training at Subway in Thursday. :D Which I'm sure will be awesomesauce. 

I'll need more black pants, because seriously, I have like two pairs and that is not going to cut it, no way no how. 

Hmmm. I'm glad I didn't stay at Waffle House, like seriously. No. Just no. 

Also, I heard that John Simms may be coming back as the Master and how awesome would that be? Seriously, I can't beleive they killed off the Master, what were they thinking? The Doctor and the Master are like Yin and Yang, they balence out everything otherwise the Doctor's rampant emo would drown the universe in a flood of tears, The Cure would be the only thing people would listen to and scarves would worn by everyone. Also: John Simms. Oh, yeah.

Which brings me to something else, I need to buy scarves and skinny jeans. I'm going to get black glasses so I need to look the part. I refuse to listen to the Cure though. Seriously, I might as well just kill myself now if I do.